In his short time at North Carolina Central, Levelle Moton has become one of the better known HBCU basketball coaches. And as such, he found himself with a staring role in “The Lies College Basketball Coaches Tell Us,” a satire piece about what college basketball coaches may be hiding.
If you’ve ascended to a head coaching gig in Divison I, you’ve got some skeletons in your closet at best, actual bodies at worst. What other secrets are the stewards of men’s basketball hiding?
B.J. Hill, Northern Colorado: Leaked the new Daft Punk album.
King Rice, Monmouth: Goes to the dealership, but he never cops nothing.
Gregg Nibert, Presbyterian: “Gregg Nibert” is actually a man who died in 1992, but Presbyterian has hired six coaches since then who have taken the name to save money on business cards and other administrative expenses.
Tony Bennett, Virginia: Thinks it’s cute to use “dropped out of space camp” on his OkCupid profile, when in actuality, he was the valedictorian of the 1994 class of Space Camp Florida.
Dave Loos, Austin Peay: Racked up $55 worth of late fees after renting Belly from the Clarksville, Tennessee, Blockbuster and was totally going to return it, but now that the Blockbuster shut down, he wonders if he still has to pay.
Tyler Geving, Portland State: Believes The Wire is neither overrated nor underrated.
Bill Coen, Northeastern: So tired of people complaining about the first Arrested Development album beating Slanted and Enchanted in the 1992 Pazz & Jop poll, that he voted Zingalamaduni no. 1 on his 1994 ballot out of spite.
Chris Mack, Xavier: Made ends meet in the mid-’90s by playing bars as “Hootie Mack,” a Hootie & the Blowfish/Bell Biv DeVoe cover band.
Lennox Forrester, SIU Edwardsville: What he really wants to do is direct.
Billy Kennedy, Texas A&M: Stole a bunch of staplers from Murray State and Murray State could really use those staplers.
LeVelle Moton, North Carolina Central: Is seriously hoping no one gives him shit about these bran muffins not being gluten-free. For crying out loud, he brought enough for everyone at the office. Doesn’t that count for anything?
Andy Enfield, USC: Is worried about how being married to a swimsuit model is reinforcing heteronormative ideals in an alpha male environment, but not really.
While the mention of Moton and the rest of the coaches are in jest, the story was written in response to the revelation that newly hired Rutgers coach Eddie Jordan actually never graduated from the school, as he claimed on his application. Yikes!